With no disrespect intended for those not among us anymore, this Michael Jackson thing doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. Now we're conducting complete investigations into the practices of several doctors -- all at taxpayer expense! This is very draining, and more importantly it's sapping productivity right out of the workplace as brainless zombies like me head to the drool bowl to grab the latest headlines.
So here are five ways to take the best of Michael Jackson and use his unique methodologies to drive success in the workplace.
Business Scenario #1: Your laptop dies.
Your response: Go into your hallway, raise your arms and sobbingly yet loudly utter, "She's out of my life, she's out of my life....and I don't know whether to laugh...or cry!" Then go into your office and quietly dial your helpdesk.
Business Scenario #2: Your boss congratulates you in front of dozens of colleagues in a meeting for a job 'well done!'
Your response: You slowly and deliberately clear your throat and then in your best falsetto shreak out, "I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad!" You then go completely silent and look down at your notepad, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Seriously now, no eye contact!
Business Scenario #3: You are brought in by HR for an alleged violation of the company's Harrassment policies.
Your response: Regardless of the circumstances you defiantly proclaim, "Billie Jean is NOT my lover!" You then storm out of the office, quickly pack up your belongings and rush home. For good.
Business Scenario #4: You and several colleagues need to work until at least midnight to collaborate on a presentation and product demo you must give early the next morning.
Your response: In order to lighten up the mood, at exact five minute increments you belt out, "Cuz this is Thriller! Thriller night!" while doing the moonwalk and that awkward double-clawing maneuver with your two hands. Keep this up for at least three hours.
Business Scenario #5: You're subjected to random criticism on a conference call with several people from around the globe participating.
Your response: Belt out several very frequent and random falsetto squeaks and screams. You may also want to start up a little 'human beat box' riff cupping your hands in front of your mouth to cause additional distraction. If the chorus gets particularly nasty, interweave a few loud, "Come on girl" refrains into the mix. You must also hang up several minutes before the call ends, so everyone can hear the stupid downward crescendo "call dropping" sound effect followed by the canned announcement that states, "This is Michael."
Please let me know how these techniques work out for you. No need to thank me, BTW.
Oh yes yes yes. We've all been buzzing so much lately about the notion of "free" and "freemium" business models. All kidding aside, "free" is indeed here to stay. And why the heck are we going to start paying for stuff that used to be free? Isn't it amazing to see traditional newspaper and magazine folks fall all over themselves figuring out how to solve that one?
But I digress. So here's the question. What happens when a few of the key ringmasters of "Free" gather for a roundtable event in the middle of Silicon Valley? We're talking Chris Anderson, E.I.C. of Wired Magazine -- whose most recent and much talked about tome (Free: The Future of a Radical Price
Does the Churchill Club, sponsor of tonight's event, wisely proclaim, "Wouldn't it be a great publicity gimmick to make this event FREE and try to sell premium memberships to all the folks we get to attend, not to mention get a lot of FREE buzz? Perhaps we'll pass on serving nibblin's and generate some revenue with a cash bar?"
Ummm...that would be a big "No!" For Churchill Club non-members, the admission price tonight is a buzz killing $77. So let me get this straight. I can buy 7.7 copies of Chris' latest book OR pay for more than two years of Pandora's PREMIUM "PandoraOne" service OR get 7.7 months of YouSendIt's premium "Pro" Service (enabling me to send behemoth files as large as 2 GB). OR I can sit in traffic for 45 minutes to get content that I can otherwise largely get for FREE by listening to this excellent NPR/Fresh Air podcast from July 8th? Or another podcast on Amazon?
I think I'll buy the Kindle version of Chris' book and sit this one out! Oh, and of course I'll chill out with my Pandora as well.
Wait wait wait! Did somebody say...Colbert?
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Chris Anderson | ||||
| ||||
I've thought about this a lot. And it's not like I'm going to be hockin' the goods like Ron Popeil.
But...if I come across something I "like" and I can make a few pennies (literally!) by providing a link to it, then by golly I'm going to do it. You'll always know I'm doing this because my post title will begin with "Stuff That I Like," followed by a brief description. Depending on what I'm thinking about at any given time, I could crank out a few of these posts per day, or go a month without doing so.
Also, it goes without saying that if I recommend something, it means that I like it. If you decide to purchase it and don't like it, well...that's between you and the merchant. I'm simply recommending.
Oh, and a lot of what I'll be suggesting is digital content, i.e., music. And that's not returnable.
Finally, the music I recommend will be from Amazon. Although I'm also an iPhone/iPod person, the fact is that with Apple's new varying pricing scheme, I see no point in paying $1.29 for a current single that one can purchase on Amazon for $0.99, when the extra effort involved to add said single to an iTunes library takes about 10 seconds.
Stay tuned.
But I am so sad to read this one. Yes, even sadder than I was to hear of the passing of Walter Cronkite, not that one should compare these things. But alas, I just did. R.I.P., Frank McCourt.
(Photo by Christopher Felver)
...when you found out that Walter Cronkite died? R.I.P. Walter Cronkite.
I love competition, and I really like Google. But to read all the hoopla regarding Google's announced forthcoming OS, despite all its limitations, is annoying. I applaud Google's initiative and hope they're successful in the long-term (they clearly won't be in the short-term). But for crying out loud, it's not like these guys just invented Ziploc bags or something.
The most intelligent wrap-up I've seen of this hype to date? Look to the oddly humorous yet abrasive, and always irreverent Dennis Howlett for a great post on this news.
I'm a physical fitness, wine, and gardening enthusiast who lives in the SF Bay Area with a very lovely wife and work in CRM product marketing at Oracle.
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